Swinger Couple Boundaries…What is Off Limits?

Sorry...I'm only allowed to look.

Sorry…I’m only allowed to look.

Every once in awhile we receive an email from a visitor asking our opinion on what is and is not okay for a couple in the Lifestyle to be doing.  While we certainly are always willing to help, these are particularly difficult questions to give advice on.  The following is an email we received recently and our response.

My husband and I have been entertaining the swing scene for about a year. Every time we meet an interesting couple, whether or not we bed them, my husband likes to develop a “textual” relationship with the other woman. Sharing detailed fantasies and pictures. I’m not completely innocent as I have one man (from the initial couple we played with) that I still text (my husband knows and does text the other woman sometimes). Occasionally sending a naughty pic. However, its nothing like what my husband wants to continue to do with many other women. Honestly, I don’t have the interest or time. Do you see any potential problems that could arise with him continuing this? Or is this normal behavior among swingers? I just don’t know what other people are doing. 

The Lifestyle is what we make it.  Every couple has their own rules and boundaries.  The simple fact that you wrote an email and asked the question leads me to believe that you have some reservations about this activity.  I don’t know your particular circumstances beyond what you told me, but it doesn’t sound like your husband is hiding this activity from you.  If that is the case, I would recommend simply talking about it calmly and setting rules as a couple that you can both agree on.

Personally I’m not really comfortable with a lot of one on one private communication between other peoples wives and husbands.  That being said, we have friends who couldn’t care less.  To each their own.  Just don’t let anything that makes you uncomfortable become thought of as acceptable behavior.  The key with all things swinger related is your ability to communicate what you do and don’t like to your spouse.

That answer may sound a little like a cop out.  I mean I basically said “maybe, maybe not”. I firmly believe the only way to be successful in the Lifestyle for any length of time is to know beyond a shadow of  a doubt where the boundaries lie.  The only way to figure this out is to sit down and talk about it frankly.  Every person has different comfort levels when it comes to their spouse interacting intimately with others.  Some don’t allow open mouth kissing, some insist on being in the same room, some don’t “swap” at all.  It is okay to have limits.  It is not okay to have them and not discuss them.  So sit down and talk it out with your partner.  Cover all the bases…oral, yes or no…anal, yes or no…same room, yes or no…condoms, yes or hell yes.  You get the picture.  Do not leave something out because you assume you partner is on the same page.

If you are in the Lifestyle for any length of time, your limits will change.  My wife and I have had several boundaries we crossed when the time was right.  You develop a comfort level with certain people, and an increased trust level with your partner.  It is far better to cross them together than to find out the next morning that you crossed it without them!

The conversation you have today will prevent the fight you may have tomorrow…

 

 

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